Sorry, no Incans Here

(This article originally ran in the January 2009 Porcupine Press magazine under the title "2,700 Year Old Pothead Discovered" If you've come to discover new ways to talk to my tattoos you're in the wrong place - and you're sex offenders rather than cars.)

Family law attorneys have recently been swamped with the sudden upsurge of late night phone calls from middle aged men requesting changes to their wills. The callers are insisting on the presence of marijuana in their caskets at their burial. This comes after the report was made that a mummified 40-something man was found with 789 grams (that’s nearly two pounds) of cannabis in his 2,700 year old grave. 

The tomb, found in the Gobi desert of China, held the remains of a man with light colored hair and blue eyes, a rare and remarkable event in the East. Archaeologists have known for years that the ancient people around the world have used hemp as a fiber, but the debate has remained as to whether or not our ancestors smoked it to get high. The scientists closed the door on this argument. “We know from both the chemical analysis and genetics that it could produce THC,” told Ethan Russo, the lead author of the findings. 

The mummy was also found with what was considered high quality goods in his day: a harp, a bow, quiver and arrows, pottery and a horses bridle. This spurred many other requests from bikers, hunters and musicians who requested to now be buried with their guns and ammo, a record player and their favorite albums and, in the case of bikers, with their favorite handlebars. Each and every one of them also insisted on pot, and most asked for either salty snacks, ice cream or anything from Taco Bell. 

The team, after many late nights of contemplation and research, decided to nickname it “the Gobi Pilta”(pilta being the ancient Tocharian word for leaf). They concluded that the man, who thought of himself as a shaman, had traveled to the Orient in order to show the natives just how cool his music was when mixed with the local traditional dances. The Chinese natives welcomed his magic and made him a part of their tribe. This, as their statement insisted, was in no way influenced by the fact that they spent most of that time watching cartoons, listening to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon synced to the Wizard of Oz and eating Chinese takeout. 

In spite of the fact that the interview was interrupted many times by unprovoked giggling and the zoning out of the researchers, it was also revealed that there were many seeds in the stash along with the buds. The airing of this information was followed by an abrupt silence leading to an announcement by one of the most fervent gigglers who said, ‘Yeah, man, but now we can only find five!’ An investigation will commence as to the whereabouts of the seeds as soon as they can get off the sofa. 

From the first reports of the find there have been rumors that the ancient Silk Road Trade Route had reopened and that black market ancient pot seeds were suddenly available to the highest bidder. Rumors have also started circulating that some of the seeds came back with Michigan’s Governor after her trip to the middle east in search of companies to start “manufacturing” in her state. This just happens to coincide with the new Michigan law permitting medicinal marijuana, where doctors have reported a steady upsurge in ‘ow! My ______ hurts!’ cases throughout the state.

In other news, an Upper Michigan company is opening a new line of caskets to accommodate these new traditions. Pine Box Ltd. is currently taking steps to acquire licensing rights for their new Green Axe* family of caskets. We at Porcupine Press Publications look forward to seeing their entire line, which includes the bong shaped Bob Marley, the pig shaped Pink Floyd and the tour bus shaped, bandanna lined Willie Nelson. *Pilta not included.