Untitled

Thwap!

A father and his children trudged through untouched wilderness. Every one of them was disgruntled.

"Dad, why are we doing this?" one of the children asked.

"We are seeking God!" their father exhaustedly growled.

They hiked on, none of their attitudes changing much. The children asked for more details about how God could be found in the woods but their father's responses grew no more detailed.

Finally, they reached the end of the trail. The thick forest fell away to reveal a long ledge overlooking a large river canyon. The sun was just sinking below the far horizon and the sky was spangled with multi colored clouds. Everything around them was speckled with golden light.

The children gaped in awe.

"Aw, dammit!" the father said suddenly.

His children looked at him, puzzled.

"We just missed it," he sighed.

"Missed what?" said one of the children.

"God?" his youngest asked.

He nodded.

The oldest child was skeptical. "How do you know we just missed him?"

Their father pointed to the sunset, "that's the exhaust from his jet pack."

Mommas

 You'll recognize the tune. It's dedicated to all those perfect little works of art out here.

It should probably be said that I don't call people morons. It isn't very sporting and it doesn't help anything. If you miss the point and make it personal keep that drama to yourselves. 

I don't know your dad.

Also, I emailed a link to the Willie Nelson crowd and invited him to give me the what-for if he doesn't approve.

Mommas, don't let your babies get ass-whooped by morons

Make them pick guitars and fix up old trucks

school them on doctors and lawyers and such

Mommas, don't let your babies get ass-whooped by morons

Don't make them stay home where they're always alone

pretending they have somebody to love

Life without daring leaves them youthless and cold

spending their dreams searching heaven for fools gold

belts and the paddle, and the chair for time out say

you want them to clone you

without understanding your way

Mommas, don't let your babies get ass-whooped by morons

Make them pick guitars and fix up old trucks

school them on doctors and lawyers and such

Mommas, don't let your babies get ass-whooped by morons

Don't make them stay home where they're always alone

pretending they have somebody to love

Take them to your best places and let em say that they're boring

make them clean up after puppies and stay up all night

They may never know you

if they do they won't show you

but if you let them be different

they'll more likely say when things aren't going just right

Mommas, don't let your babies get ass-whooped by morons

Make them pick guitars and fix up old trucks

school them on doctors and lawyers and such

Mommas, don't let your babies get ass-whooped by morons

Don't make them stay home where they're always alone

pretending they have somebody to love

Mommas, don't let your babies get ass-whooped by morons

Make em pick guitars and fix up old trucks

school them on doctors and lawyers and such

Don't make them stay home where they're always alone

pretending they have somebody to love

Just Nuts

(A facsimile of this report originally ran in the May 2009 issue of the Porcupine Press. Based on true events.)

A grandmother was in court last month facing charges for feeding squirrels from her front porch. The defendant, who asked to remain anonymous, was ticketed in early April after a report of the offense was called in to police by a nosy neighbor.

This arrest and many others like it come on the heels of a brand new law requiring specific methods of storage and delivery of all food intended for
wildlife (no clause pertaining to college students has yet been specified). The plan is to boost the economy by making all animal feed intended for wildlife
100% organic and U.S. grown, and by requiring all of those who wish to feed their feral friends to obtain a special license. Feeders are now being asked to sign a notarized contract agreeing to comply with a total of 131 new stipulations. Some highlights include:

22) All persons holding a feeding license must
wear two layers of latex gloves while handling food
intended for animal consumption. These gloves are
available at the Secretary of State's offices statewide,
costing $35 for a box of 20.

103) Food intended for animals must be kept
in a green container made from recycled Faygo
bottles. Containers are available only at Home
Depot and Lowe’s for $139.95. Supplies are
limited.

130) If a citizen is bitten by an animal, said
citizen must immediately report the bite and will
be fined $350. Failing to report the bite will result in a
secondary fine of $150 and the refusal of medical help.

131) Henceforth, all rabies cases will be considered
the result of violation of these terms. Any person
who seeks treatment for rabies will be arrested
on the spot and prosecuted to the full extent of the
law. Minimum sentence for contracting rabies
is five (5) years in jail.

This legislation was based on an older law written by a U.S. Senator after he ate venison for the first time while vacationing in the Michigan Mitten and became gastronomically distressed. He and his advisors deduced that the culprit was malnutrition caused by consuming scrawny deer meat, as the animals refuse to feed in fields sprayed with pesticides and they had little else to choose from.

Good citizens are asked to call Homeland Security if they see anyone violating the new law. Wayne and McComb counties have offered a reward to anyone turning in the most elderly ladies in the first month of its enactment. The winner will receive new binoculars, a tazer, and a pair of black fish net stockings.

During his recent weekly radio address, President Obama has hailed the move. “This is a bold and innovative development, one that is based on thorough consideration and intensive research. It is guaranteed to be a positive influence on our economy and will improve the lives of the middle class. I have been criticized lately by people who wonder how we will recoup all of those bailout dollars. To them I say, here it is."

The audience applauded.

He continued, “The initial results of this plan have helped me to realize that this green initiative is the best model for rebuilding our economy, and from this moment on I and my staff will be looking at states and other countries for more of this type of legislation, to use as an example of how to get everything right. Michigan's Green Feed Initiative hold such promise that I have put my staff to work creating a bill implementing these steps on a federal level. I only hope my opponents can see its value and help us get it moved through Congress and onto my desk as soon as possible.”

Feeding licenses are available anywhere fishing and hunting licenses are sold. Three proofs of residence are required, along with a hair sample and your mother’s in-person declaration of her maiden name. The fee is $75 for the first animal and $20 for each additional species. They are good for six months.

Sorry, no Incans Here

(This article originally ran in the January 2009 Porcupine Press magazine under the title "2,700 Year Old Pothead Discovered" If you've come to discover new ways to talk to my tattoos you're in the wrong place - and you're sex offenders rather than cars.)

Family law attorneys have recently been swamped with the sudden upsurge of late night phone calls from middle aged men requesting changes to their wills. The callers are insisting on the presence of marijuana in their caskets at their burial. This comes after the report was made that a mummified 40-something man was found with 789 grams (that’s nearly two pounds) of cannabis in his 2,700 year old grave. 

The tomb, found in the Gobi desert of China, held the remains of a man with light colored hair and blue eyes, a rare and remarkable event in the East. Archaeologists have known for years that the ancient people around the world have used hemp as a fiber, but the debate has remained as to whether or not our ancestors smoked it to get high. The scientists closed the door on this argument. “We know from both the chemical analysis and genetics that it could produce THC,” told Ethan Russo, the lead author of the findings. 

The mummy was also found with what was considered high quality goods in his day: a harp, a bow, quiver and arrows, pottery and a horses bridle. This spurred many other requests from bikers, hunters and musicians who requested to now be buried with their guns and ammo, a record player and their favorite albums and, in the case of bikers, with their favorite handlebars. Each and every one of them also insisted on pot, and most asked for either salty snacks, ice cream or anything from Taco Bell. 

The team, after many late nights of contemplation and research, decided to nickname it “the Gobi Pilta”(pilta being the ancient Tocharian word for leaf). They concluded that the man, who thought of himself as a shaman, had traveled to the Orient in order to show the natives just how cool his music was when mixed with the local traditional dances. The Chinese natives welcomed his magic and made him a part of their tribe. This, as their statement insisted, was in no way influenced by the fact that they spent most of that time watching cartoons, listening to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon synced to the Wizard of Oz and eating Chinese takeout. 

In spite of the fact that the interview was interrupted many times by unprovoked giggling and the zoning out of the researchers, it was also revealed that there were many seeds in the stash along with the buds. The airing of this information was followed by an abrupt silence leading to an announcement by one of the most fervent gigglers who said, ‘Yeah, man, but now we can only find five!’ An investigation will commence as to the whereabouts of the seeds as soon as they can get off the sofa. 

From the first reports of the find there have been rumors that the ancient Silk Road Trade Route had reopened and that black market ancient pot seeds were suddenly available to the highest bidder. Rumors have also started circulating that some of the seeds came back with Michigan’s Governor after her trip to the middle east in search of companies to start “manufacturing” in her state. This just happens to coincide with the new Michigan law permitting medicinal marijuana, where doctors have reported a steady upsurge in ‘ow! My ______ hurts!’ cases throughout the state.

In other news, an Upper Michigan company is opening a new line of caskets to accommodate these new traditions. Pine Box Ltd. is currently taking steps to acquire licensing rights for their new Green Axe* family of caskets. We at Porcupine Press Publications look forward to seeing their entire line, which includes the bong shaped Bob Marley, the pig shaped Pink Floyd and the tour bus shaped, bandanna lined Willie Nelson. *Pilta not included.

SPF ??

(I look at ISIL specifically for the sake of this argument. There are other religions and cultures that abuse women and tell them to play dress up. In fact, there are many. Most cultures are based on the enslavement - or at least control - of women and the arming and violence acclimating of men. It's a fine mating dance if you're not compatible with the person you want to have sex with. The mentality is, unfortunately, just beat them and say it's okay because some dead person wrote about it.)

Set your traditions aside for a moment and look at ISIL as a group of people whose main goal is to have as much happiness as they can wrangle. That means food and water, sex, brotherhood, and the safety offered by well defined borders and quality shelter. What they do different from the rest of us (at least in degrees) is to use violence to reduce the competition. This method, like all other learned behavior, is the product of being told repeatedly that is the way a strong man comes by those things.

But that, I think, is the easy part to understand. What really strikes me as relevant to the Muslim reputation is how clothing women in protective drapes of fabric to protect them against the harsh climate became mandatory and how it is now punishable by violence to not wear the hijab.

It is understandable that keeping women safe from sand and sun creates a softer and less sunburnt physical person, but condemning them for not wearing it means they have lost the meaning of the thing. Like our hang-ups with gay sex and menstruation and their relationship to clean water and soap, this tradition is founded before modern invention brought us sunscreen and automobiles. Its function has become in some situations obsolete yet the protective impulse has remained, and in some cases has been used to excuse violence against non compliers.

Women are being treated terribly for not wearing a particular form of sunscreen.

I'd fear them too if I was beating them for not being old fashioned enough.

So, like the men who are accustomed to proving their manhood by being violent, the women in that same culture are accustomed to being abused. The only way to be rescued from the abuse is to play dress up for their romantic attackers.

The violence some Muslim and other religious brotherhoods embrace are under the impression that their only route to care and safety is through the domination of women and their (albeit probably invisible to them) goal is to preserve the female-as-servant-doll abuse cycle. The result is and will continue to be men who abuse the animal that is the female body then scorn it for being trained to be less, and women who think they are incapable of anything but compliance and who cannot function without a rescuer. It is a farce. Those men are trying to kill their way to care and that means it will never happen. Care isn't a result of obedience training. In fact, it creates the type of woman they fear, and rightfully so.

The ISIL threat is a chance for modern Muslim people and all cultures who wear the hijab to publicly acknowledge their traditions as tools that can sometimes be updated. The best and finest of their culture should be preserved but the hijab has to be reconsidered if they truly want peace. I believe powerful teamwork can happen when the hijab is treated as it was intended, as protection from the elements, rather than a prison cell. The Muslim people are the ones to make this change, and we should support them as they guide their culture into a more caring age.

There are more pressing things to fight over.

LC

Another broken record to lodge in the face of your zombie attacker du jour

Caring about ourselves is not a crime. Diversity is strength. Taking pride is necessary. Family is inclusive, not corrosive. It's almost too easy.

There are some commentaries on socialism and communism floating around today and in spite of the fine discussions already held they are still beside the point. Consumerism isn't inherently bad. It becomes destructive when the makers of the products cannot afford to own what they make. Guaranteeing everyone is healthy enough to work and paying a living wage makes for cooperation and teamwork but the other element, demand, creates an ugly relationship between the producers and the quality of their work. It's no coincidence that the so-called 'shit work' is usually about moving stuff we don't need or things we know to be harmful and it is probably why people who are cornered into doing those jobs self destruct. I wonder how often they opt for those jobs because they think there is no other place for them, or that they don't deserve the ones they want.

What is missing from the system that I believe could unmake a lot of humanity's negative effects on society and the environment is depicted in fiction works like the Hunger Games. Every region has a specialty. Every person has ability and talent in some form or another. The part they usually leave out is that we can't run out of money because we made it up. Human need is manufactured to punish those who don't conform to the demands of the 'leadership', who insist on cloning themselves in their workers. Henry Ford's efforts are a fine example of this with his setting wages and pricing cars so employees could afford them while stripping his workers of their cultures. With that act he screwed them by underhandedly telling them culture is less important than productivity when in reality it is the other way around. He thought he had to clone himself in order to create cooperation and that's backwards. The results of his cultural whitewashing are still kicking our collective ass as the baseline of corporate culture and it needs to be approached differently and with less fear of the dreaded S-word if we want to be both productive and healthy. 

Poverty and unemployment are a waste of human resources. People want to say they have done something well. Accusing the poor of wanting to be dependent on the state for food and shelter is as asinine as assuming healthy people wake up one morning deciding to smoke crack, and to assert these opinions is to tell them they aren't worth protecting. Isolating them removes access to care. When people self harm the consequences rest on the accuser for revoking the other's right to care about themselves. HeadStart should be a central part of ending this tradition (I also say make HeadStart open to anyone who wants to send their kids there. Maybe a sliding scale?), and it should be offered everywhere. If any bussing should remain it should happen to kids in Head Start. It offers them a chance to experience other cultures in a place where they are welcomed as normal, ultimately teaching them how to celebrate differences rather than fear them. Children in families who can afford day care already get this. Poor kids usually don't.

This could be easily combined with another wonderful way to introduce the non-threat real socialism (that radical mentality where all people have feelings) and meritocracy: food. Encouraging HeadStart organizers to embrace our traditional comfort foods would speak to the folks who have hidden their roots, afraid of being stigmatized for knowing where they come from. That fear is a symptom of tyranny, not leadership, and we already know better. Mass produced rations offer invisibility and safety in an unfamiliar and potentially hostile environment (marketed as safe because same) but also requires some compromise of personal health, so knowing how to find quality within the quantity is vitally important, and emphasizing food quality in a multicultural preschool format is a fine place to start. They learn how to care for something real and rewarding, and that reinforces their worth as individuals. Locally grown food carries little risk and offers people a place to be completely selfish. It offers an outlet for people in a system that has for too long treated its workers like things to be upgraded and used. It's one thing in this overly regulated world that offers a sense of accomplishment and the benefits far outweigh the costs. It's inherently Communist, it's certainly Socialist, and it is downright Founding Fatherly. Diversity is wealth and homegrown keeps it real. Tell the kids.

No hugs for you

Yeah, I write strange shit. I'm aware of what it sounds like. What I value in these remarks is how left field they can be, and my reputation be damned if it brings insights to others who really can improve the world. My goal is the same as it was: to live better than paycheck to paycheck (especially having to rely on someone elses!) and help eradicate or reroute the ugly behaviors that plague and ultimately end many childhoods. This is my cause and healthy childhoods will remain my goal.

Careful what you excuse.