Just Nuts

(A facsimile of this report originally ran in the May 2009 issue of the Porcupine Press. Based on true events.)

A grandmother was in court last month facing charges for feeding squirrels from her front porch. The defendant, who asked to remain anonymous, was ticketed in early April after a report of the offense was called in to police by a nosy neighbor.

This arrest and many others like it come on the heels of a brand new law requiring specific methods of storage and delivery of all food intended for
wildlife (no clause pertaining to college students has yet been specified). The plan is to boost the economy by making all animal feed intended for wildlife
100% organic and U.S. grown, and by requiring all of those who wish to feed their feral friends to obtain a special license. Feeders are now being asked to sign a notarized contract agreeing to comply with a total of 131 new stipulations. Some highlights include:

22) All persons holding a feeding license must
wear two layers of latex gloves while handling food
intended for animal consumption. These gloves are
available at the Secretary of State's offices statewide,
costing $35 for a box of 20.

103) Food intended for animals must be kept
in a green container made from recycled Faygo
bottles. Containers are available only at Home
Depot and Lowe’s for $139.95. Supplies are
limited.

130) If a citizen is bitten by an animal, said
citizen must immediately report the bite and will
be fined $350. Failing to report the bite will result in a
secondary fine of $150 and the refusal of medical help.

131) Henceforth, all rabies cases will be considered
the result of violation of these terms. Any person
who seeks treatment for rabies will be arrested
on the spot and prosecuted to the full extent of the
law. Minimum sentence for contracting rabies
is five (5) years in jail.

This legislation was based on an older law written by a U.S. Senator after he ate venison for the first time while vacationing in the Michigan Mitten and became gastronomically distressed. He and his advisors deduced that the culprit was malnutrition caused by consuming scrawny deer meat, as the animals refuse to feed in fields sprayed with pesticides and they had little else to choose from.

Good citizens are asked to call Homeland Security if they see anyone violating the new law. Wayne and McComb counties have offered a reward to anyone turning in the most elderly ladies in the first month of its enactment. The winner will receive new binoculars, a tazer, and a pair of black fish net stockings.

During his recent weekly radio address, President Obama has hailed the move. “This is a bold and innovative development, one that is based on thorough consideration and intensive research. It is guaranteed to be a positive influence on our economy and will improve the lives of the middle class. I have been criticized lately by people who wonder how we will recoup all of those bailout dollars. To them I say, here it is."

The audience applauded.

He continued, “The initial results of this plan have helped me to realize that this green initiative is the best model for rebuilding our economy, and from this moment on I and my staff will be looking at states and other countries for more of this type of legislation, to use as an example of how to get everything right. Michigan's Green Feed Initiative hold such promise that I have put my staff to work creating a bill implementing these steps on a federal level. I only hope my opponents can see its value and help us get it moved through Congress and onto my desk as soon as possible.”

Feeding licenses are available anywhere fishing and hunting licenses are sold. Three proofs of residence are required, along with a hair sample and your mother’s in-person declaration of her maiden name. The fee is $75 for the first animal and $20 for each additional species. They are good for six months.