Just Nuts

(A facsimile of this report originally ran in the May 2009 issue of the Porcupine Press. Based on true events.)

A grandmother was in court last month facing charges for feeding squirrels from her front porch. The defendant, who asked to remain anonymous, was ticketed in early April after a report of the offense was called in to police by a nosy neighbor.

This arrest and many others like it come on the heels of a brand new law requiring specific methods of storage and delivery of all food intended for
wildlife (no clause pertaining to college students has yet been specified). The plan is to boost the economy by making all animal feed intended for wildlife
100% organic and U.S. grown, and by requiring all of those who wish to feed their feral friends to obtain a special license. Feeders are now being asked to sign a notarized contract agreeing to comply with a total of 131 new stipulations. Some highlights include:

22) All persons holding a feeding license must
wear two layers of latex gloves while handling food
intended for animal consumption. These gloves are
available at the Secretary of State's offices statewide,
costing $35 for a box of 20.

103) Food intended for animals must be kept
in a green container made from recycled Faygo
bottles. Containers are available only at Home
Depot and Lowe’s for $139.95. Supplies are
limited.

130) If a citizen is bitten by an animal, said
citizen must immediately report the bite and will
be fined $350. Failing to report the bite will result in a
secondary fine of $150 and the refusal of medical help.

131) Henceforth, all rabies cases will be considered
the result of violation of these terms. Any person
who seeks treatment for rabies will be arrested
on the spot and prosecuted to the full extent of the
law. Minimum sentence for contracting rabies
is five (5) years in jail.

This legislation was based on an older law written by a U.S. Senator after he ate venison for the first time while vacationing in the Michigan Mitten and became gastronomically distressed. He and his advisors deduced that the culprit was malnutrition caused by consuming scrawny deer meat, as the animals refuse to feed in fields sprayed with pesticides and they had little else to choose from.

Good citizens are asked to call Homeland Security if they see anyone violating the new law. Wayne and McComb counties have offered a reward to anyone turning in the most elderly ladies in the first month of its enactment. The winner will receive new binoculars, a tazer, and a pair of black fish net stockings.

During his recent weekly radio address, President Obama has hailed the move. “This is a bold and innovative development, one that is based on thorough consideration and intensive research. It is guaranteed to be a positive influence on our economy and will improve the lives of the middle class. I have been criticized lately by people who wonder how we will recoup all of those bailout dollars. To them I say, here it is."

The audience applauded.

He continued, “The initial results of this plan have helped me to realize that this green initiative is the best model for rebuilding our economy, and from this moment on I and my staff will be looking at states and other countries for more of this type of legislation, to use as an example of how to get everything right. Michigan's Green Feed Initiative hold such promise that I have put my staff to work creating a bill implementing these steps on a federal level. I only hope my opponents can see its value and help us get it moved through Congress and onto my desk as soon as possible.”

Feeding licenses are available anywhere fishing and hunting licenses are sold. Three proofs of residence are required, along with a hair sample and your mother’s in-person declaration of her maiden name. The fee is $75 for the first animal and $20 for each additional species. They are good for six months.

Sorry, no Incans Here

(This article originally ran in the January 2009 Porcupine Press magazine under the title "2,700 Year Old Pothead Discovered" If you've come to discover new ways to talk to my tattoos you're in the wrong place - and you're sex offenders rather than cars.)

Family law attorneys have recently been swamped with the sudden upsurge of late night phone calls from middle aged men requesting changes to their wills. The callers are insisting on the presence of marijuana in their caskets at their burial. This comes after the report was made that a mummified 40-something man was found with 789 grams (that’s nearly two pounds) of cannabis in his 2,700 year old grave. 

The tomb, found in the Gobi desert of China, held the remains of a man with light colored hair and blue eyes, a rare and remarkable event in the East. Archaeologists have known for years that the ancient people around the world have used hemp as a fiber, but the debate has remained as to whether or not our ancestors smoked it to get high. The scientists closed the door on this argument. “We know from both the chemical analysis and genetics that it could produce THC,” told Ethan Russo, the lead author of the findings. 

The mummy was also found with what was considered high quality goods in his day: a harp, a bow, quiver and arrows, pottery and a horses bridle. This spurred many other requests from bikers, hunters and musicians who requested to now be buried with their guns and ammo, a record player and their favorite albums and, in the case of bikers, with their favorite handlebars. Each and every one of them also insisted on pot, and most asked for either salty snacks, ice cream or anything from Taco Bell. 

The team, after many late nights of contemplation and research, decided to nickname it “the Gobi Pilta”(pilta being the ancient Tocharian word for leaf). They concluded that the man, who thought of himself as a shaman, had traveled to the Orient in order to show the natives just how cool his music was when mixed with the local traditional dances. The Chinese natives welcomed his magic and made him a part of their tribe. This, as their statement insisted, was in no way influenced by the fact that they spent most of that time watching cartoons, listening to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon synced to the Wizard of Oz and eating Chinese takeout. 

In spite of the fact that the interview was interrupted many times by unprovoked giggling and the zoning out of the researchers, it was also revealed that there were many seeds in the stash along with the buds. The airing of this information was followed by an abrupt silence leading to an announcement by one of the most fervent gigglers who said, ‘Yeah, man, but now we can only find five!’ An investigation will commence as to the whereabouts of the seeds as soon as they can get off the sofa. 

From the first reports of the find there have been rumors that the ancient Silk Road Trade Route had reopened and that black market ancient pot seeds were suddenly available to the highest bidder. Rumors have also started circulating that some of the seeds came back with Michigan’s Governor after her trip to the middle east in search of companies to start “manufacturing” in her state. This just happens to coincide with the new Michigan law permitting medicinal marijuana, where doctors have reported a steady upsurge in ‘ow! My ______ hurts!’ cases throughout the state.

In other news, an Upper Michigan company is opening a new line of caskets to accommodate these new traditions. Pine Box Ltd. is currently taking steps to acquire licensing rights for their new Green Axe* family of caskets. We at Porcupine Press Publications look forward to seeing their entire line, which includes the bong shaped Bob Marley, the pig shaped Pink Floyd and the tour bus shaped, bandanna lined Willie Nelson. *Pilta not included.