Children don't know
they have limits until we make them adopt ours. It's our job as
parents to bounce those egos off of reality once in a while, and the
ordeal is how it's done. Raise the bar.
~
April 2014 -- On any given weekend
you can sit in our living room and listen as our 13-year-old son
plays video games in the loft above. Occasionally, if you're
sensitive to such things, you'll also hear him let fly a string of
four-letter-words. Only rarely do we holler up for him to cut it out,
and when we do, he does.
When I was a child some
swearing was normal. We lived on a hobby farm so as long as the word
was used to describe the thing all was well. We never used the
f-bomb, but sh!t was sh!t and even at the age of six I could describe
it with the best of them. Our son was offered similar guidance, but I
changed the rules a bit.
Instead of just letting
it go when he finally had the courage to swear in front of us, we
created milestones for him to reach in order to use a certain word.
When he turned ten we granted him the right to use 'hell' and 'damn'
with discrimination. When he turned thirteen he was granted
permission to say 'sh!t'.
His responsibility with
cursing has always been to understand when the words are welcome and
when using them would get him into trouble. If he misused his
privilege and used language to slur or attack someone he lost the
right to use those terms. It has always been important for him to
learn the impact of taboo words so they can be tools for articulate
expression rather than ways to be naughty. So far the process has
been successful and he is able to
express
his frustrations better because he can vent the
explosiveness behind them and get to the message more efficiently.
Rituals like these are
disappearing in the technological age. The process of earning new
rank by learning how to navigate the language has become less about
socialization of young people and rites of passage and has been
replaced with practicing for employment obedience tests and the
procurement of gadgets, leading to mentally isolated and
disassociated children who identify more with their entertainers than
with real people, who are likely the product of the same system.
Their progress into adulthood is punctuated with threats; a blur of
fantasy, escapism, and indulgence without relevant and rewarding
hurdles to prove they can temper their own mirth.
In these instances
parents need to change. Rather than using money and stuff as rewards
for doing chores they should be doing anyway, reward them with new
rights. Proving they can be trusted to use the riding lawn mower is a
big deal, and if we make a fuss it leads to more care, both for the
task at hand and later when they learn how to drive. Being careful to
limit scarcity in those areas of life where more attention is needed
draws out their care. Money is a fine reward for work well done and
placing emphasis on quality work adds an understanding of the value
of things. By creating ordeals we teach children to raise the bar on
their own.
This same method was
used to get him to care about cleaning his room. He was allowed to
live in a mess with a few very disruptive cleaning sessions that
taxed us all emotionally and physically. Eventually he realized that
not putting things away made more work and chaos than it was worth
and has found his appreciation for tidiness.
He doesn't get paid for
doing it. Unless you're training them to be a housekeeper, having a
clean room is about self care, not money. The reward is having a nice
place to reside, not the ability to pile in more stuff. Rather than
commodifying the act as if they are employed, we put a value on his
ability to raise his own standards and to accomplish the task better
than last time. Living in his own mess taught him to value paying
attention to details.
Consider the Pinewood
derby. When the Scouts first started the event the boys carved their
own cars and did all the work on improvements. Now it is almost
unheard of for the child to do the work because parents jump in and
do it for them. The winner of the derby isn't the child anymore and
it's obvious by how little they care about the reward. And of course
they wouldn't because they didn't win. It was handed to them, and
they act like it was handed to them, they know it'll happen again,
and they learn to expect it.
Children need rites of
passage, even if it is taking their favorite app and turning it into
a backyard project. Such ordeals teach them the middle steps to the
ideals they are already familiar with, and it shows them that
although their mind may have the knowledge, their body must also live
the process. It helps them discover their physical limits and, in the
case of doing the real thing instead of playing a game, introduces
them to real living skills. Whether it's a tweenage
Sufferfest
to make the most enthusiastic Boy Scout blanch or having them create
their own clothing, children need to know what they can accomplish and treating the skills like milestones does just that. It would seem to be a no-brainer until you consider the behavior of some of the adults.
My husband and I may
not have done everything perfectly for our son so far but we have managed to
bring out his artist and his crafstman. He understands that work done well is
its own reward and he has learned the value of respecting other
peoples boundaries. Most importantly, he isn't afraid to fail or get
hurt trying to make his dent in our reality. Knowing he is welcome to
use the many tools at his disposal he is his own empowered (and
occasionally blustery) co-creator, and I think he's going to turn out
just fine.
